It's my turn....

I tried to tell a friend of mine what was bothering me today.....

We were both in the break room and I usually listen to her drone on for hours about life and her significant other. This is the way it is ........the way it always seems to be. I am the friend you might refer to as the "sponge" that caring segment of your life that will sit there and listen to every problem under the sun. " Ash I have this rather alarming foot odor etc...." "Why doesn’t he like me Ash?" My replies vary based on the friends context or mood. The foot odor thing would probably receive a humorous response.....like "Try some gold bond or go see a doctor!"........On a normal basis I try to execute my words in a more humble and mature manner. "Ashley Mixon the advice giver" it should be a neon sign lit up high above my self anointed crown. As usual I digress far away from the point........So we were sitting there and I finally said, "I feel really sad today". She asked me what was wrong and when it finally came to me mentioning what the problem was..........I couldn’t respond. I knew exactly what it was and why, but I just couldn’t spit it out. I felt if I told her everything and the way I felt everyday.....It might be bothersome. I felt as though by telling her my problem I would be a terrible friend. Like my soul purpose in life is to take care of everyone else. My friend isn’t the problem ....I am. There are probably two friends on the planet I can spill it to. One of them I see once and a while the other lives fairly far away. I think that is what really has been bothering me. I need that friend that I can tell anything to that wont give me that same superficial "That sucks" or "Everything will be ok." I sound fairly cynical right now........

My other friend received this text last night from a lady friend, she was saying that she wanted to move away and no one cared and such. While she may have been feeling this way due to circumstance.........I have that feeling everyday of my life. Sad to say it’s been proven to me habitually since I was a child. I’m not pulling the dramatics out of a hat or feeling sorry for myself. That is a huge waste of time....but I will say people really don’t care for one another anymore. We never take the time to help one another unless it is beneficial to us. Sad part is I do care ............I care way too much for people that don’t think twice about me. That has never really held me back from doing something for another human being...........but every once and a while you expect someone to reciprocate. Oh well.

Yesterday.......

I came to the realization that the person I thought was answer to everything wasn’t. My end all be all wasn’t that at all. Two and a half years of going back and forth in my head ........dealing with feelings of confusion, heartbreak, and feeling sorry for myself................and it was all for a false hood. I put this person on nothing more that a pedestal that no individual would be able to live up to. So becoming aware of this just led me to break down.

I am a strong person and I’ll get over it.....and the usual means I attack life alone and with great force. The more upset I grow the more I pick up extra shifts at work.......Work is great because it allows you to forget anything is actually going on with your life. At work your not really able to worry about yourself......the focus is on the job. Paperwork ........filing.......employees.......customers .........attractive co workers.........charities.......meetings ........etc...... It’s really not this person either.....I’ve been over all of this for about a year now. It just shocks me that I once felt the way I did.... about someone I apparently didn’t know....

Man my friends treat me like shit....



This really fucking hurts.

Oh well.

Ashley Mixon Out.

Walking with a Ghost






Mejia use to always give me the fortunes of the the cookies.....here was mine today --->"Doubt is often the beginning of wisdom."


It always seems that in my time of need, my parents have never been there. Strange for most it’s quite the opposite. I could be wrong and this could all be a dramatic display of angst due to the repercussions of the phone call I just made……….

I’m at work right now….. and if you know me and or my job, you know I work at the Mission Inn. Right now is down time for the concierge, which means I’m sitting on my ass typing this entry. Don’t get me wrong I love the job and it pays rather well, but I’m just so sick of these bull shit jobs. I need to go back to school, if not to feel whole again. I loved the Art Center, but I’m broke as hell and can’t afford to take out $200,000, for 3 years of college. I’m trying to make it out to Chicago and every time I try something “comes up” or puts a screeching halt to my dream. I’m working 6 days a week to pay my bills of and be debt free. It’s just been hard….. My parents haven’t provided me with a leg to stand on. I filled out my fafsa on my own and guessed their earnings. It left me with nothing…. I think they gave me $2,000 in financial aid for a $200,000 school. Sometimes I just don’t understand why they are the way they are. I hate complaining about it because I’m 20 years old and I sound like a child……but it’s just frustrating. I digress …….

I just finished a telephone conversation with my mother……I needed to use her credit card number to apply online to Columbia of Chicago. I would have paid her in cash of course…she refused. Saying “You need to take care of some things first”. Ok if you know me well, you would have also known I went through this last December before applying to Art Center. The things I need to take care of are my bills and I was financially irresponsible last year…To say the least I’ve grown up a great deal and turned it around. Even the loan I have to take out for school….I have to use my incompetent grandmother as a co borrower. So now the true colors are starting to come out… she doesn’t want me to leave. If it was up to her I would attend RCC for 4 years and then go to a Cal State….. fuck that. Don’t get me wrong Cal States are great schools but it’s just not for me. I need to be out on my own. I’m starting to feel more and more like Lauren…. Now I understand. So once again I’m going at something totally alone…. The only comforting feeling is knowing I have God on my side.

I thought this was pretty freakin funny..

Only believers in death with die....

After a couple of years away I have decided to return to my roots. Fuck Xanga and Bees! -Luv Ashley

Yay for tag and art shows!!!! It all started with a call from Mr. Emilio informing me about the Art Center grad show. So I ventured down to the ever beautiful Pasadena and strolled around for a bit, then met up with Emilio and the gang for the show. To say the least it was amazing, although I felt like a peon of a human being, it was truly inspiring. I hope to be half as good someday. I've decided to apply to School of the Art Institute of Chicago, it will be more difficult but I'm just going to have to cross my fingers and hope to get in. My portfolio is about done, wish me luck and if you can pray for me please!

What the hell is Tazo Tea?

It moved!!!! Only at Art Center.

I want talent!

Lust for food. Rawr.
Chillaxin

Sweater thief!

Space and lots of it..Rayan's new place.

Us kids pre night tag extravaganza!

Emilio still sporting my hoodie shows us his lavish room.

Wishful thinking Good times. I lost twice at night tag, what a shame. I hid in the same place twice, behind the shower curtain... haha All in all it was a great weekend. =) I'm so happy for everyone it seems like everything is working out! Ok well I need to get to work.......... Yep...

Moving in stereo.....

"When you understand," Brandy says, "That what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan," Brandy says, "Then we'll figure out who you're going to be." -Invisible Monsters

I smiled today....

The atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

Loss of significance, no trace of compassion. A cold blooded creature little known, little shared, yet remained nameless to those who knew him best. What can be said for that which has no name, no attribute to be recognized?............................He was everything and nothing......., an insignificant particle of life that only an odd girl would claim as her own...........I miss you -no name-

2004-10-11-2004

Yeah my gold fish died today................I think I just get to darn attached to those little guys.... I dunno what happened, my theory is the following ;Vic and my gold fish got into some sort of fight and I guess the little guy lost. Vic is the biggest jerk in the world........well for a koi....eh le sigh .......just makes me so sad, I didn't even name him =(....Eh oh well.....

This week has been a little crazy, sometimes I wish things could just run smoothly. I guess I've never been one to live in the real world.............Life can be hard sometimes...(and I'm not talking about the damn gold fish, I liked him but I know any one else can care less). I read most of the LJs, of friends and related, realizing that when you boil it down we are all initially the same. All of these cliche issues that are always left un-addressed . What a vicious cycle of ignorance and frustration. It will all be ok one day...........I hope =T. In the mean time there is always the simple things ...................and the only thing she could do was gaze in awe...Just thought I would thrown in a cup of good 'ol Cheer!

For what its worth

Processing information, man or machine? .......

Elves and gnomes prance about my very thoughts, reality or just a bad cup of coffee? Starting all over was always a fail safe, denial a bad habit never controlled. Running until your arteries burst, and sweat becomes blood, goals unreachable ....................dreams lost. Time..............is ......the .... enemy. Clutch a cross for comfort, kneel before Christ for conviction. A faceless wonder walks among the masses, rain is a friend.....not warm.........but a steady cool..............Umbrellas fill the crowded streets, the rythm of water to earth is unsettling. The slight frost, chill, shudder.............................All windows currently open, doors locked. Light breaks through darkened clouds, the soul is set free. Tears surrendered to completion sink slowly, as-vault washed memories that fade in time. A smile hidden by wisps of hair, and the endeament carried with it, cynical dispositions fleeding..................I am happy now ....

.

There is only so much I can say, until my words have lost all meaning. My repetitive ramblings become bad lyrics to a played out song........

To: anyone that I have offended or struck a bad cord,

From the bottom of my heart I apologize


Fin

Oh today today today.......................

My life is no routine ..........but......


The first thing I look at when I open my eyes...........is..... the window, sad to say it determines my mood for the day. It's amazing such a little thing has such an impact, when I looked out the window there were clusters of beautiful RAIN CLOUDS!!!!! Oh Oh Oh I was sooooooo happy, thats not even a good word lets just say ecstatic. Simple minds simple pleasures I guess but honestly nothing makes me more pleased than to see some clouds, I love to dance in that rain. Ok ok I'm odd but you know I just don't care, I honestly don't feel the need to complain about how terrible the world is. We as human beings are so fixed on the idea that we are all tortured souls, maybe you should take a closer look at your surroundings. Pressures, anxiety, hate.......................I can spend years building these up (and have), but what does this really accomplish. All this stress and hatred, ect........ just leads to more self consumption and insecurities. So Basically simple pleasures carry me through life, I was never one that needed anything. I am blessed to the core, and need no more.....hehehe Im so lame.

Things I enjoy

Palm tree silhouettes
Rain Clouds
Lightning Storms
Running through sprinklers
Watching people
Running my hands through a bag of beans or grain
The faint scent of flowers caught in breeze
Listening to accents from a distance
Dancing in the rain while people stare O_O
Walking at night, listening to a favorite CD.
Skipping rocks
Looking at the stars
Cloud shapes
Swimming as far as humanly possible (till the water looks shifty)
Feeding ducks
Letting the wind wisp through my hair
Being held
Running in no specific direction
Chasing sea gulls
Watching my dog choke on a hot dog
Looking at light patterns
Attempting to draw
Walking into the unknown
Climbing trees
Shuffling on a rooftop
Hiding a tear
Looking at broken glass
Bottle caps
Playing the water glasses
Digging my feet into the sand
Listening to a friend in time of need
Creating fake DJ names
Catching fire flies
Giant Cups Of Bad Coffee

What I love .........................the thought that it just really isn't that bad.

"Pain is something man must endure in his heart, and since the heart feels pain so easily some believe life is pain."

We have all been through so much, each under different circumstances, but please take a moment and look outside. I mean really look, not at the track homes or that neighbor that just irritates you to the max............but at that flower/infamous weed impostor, growing out of a crack in the side walk. Thats what it's all about people, I know you all want to have me committed .....but I just want it to be known that sometimes its the insignificant factors in life that can change the perceptions of one eccentric Italian girl and make life just that much better.


Oh you kids kill me.............

Down Tempo...


I wish for just one second in my life I could prove to my parents that I am not boarder line retarded. I hate the fact that every thing can be going Ok, I can lift my eyes away from the fucking pavement and have some confidence. As soon as gain just a little happiness and self respect, something terrible happens. I hate going on and on about something like this, I realize every one has problems and the world suffers. Sometimes I need to focus on self improvement though. I spent the day with my mother, we went to various places. It was nice, but I also realized how much I miss her not being home. She's always away taking care of my grandmother (who is mentally unstable). My mom comes home in under depression, I hate watching it. It makes the whole home life formidable. The tension is always high, and then I get sucked up into these ridiculous arguments over school and money. She thinks I will amount to a whole lot of nothing, same goes with my dad. My whole goal in life is to prove them both wrong, I always let them down. They say to go to school and gain a admirable future for yourself, all we are really trying to do is prove to somebody somewhere that we can make it through. I just wish for once I could do it. I don't want fucking pity from anybody, I just want to know how an individual can change. I need to stop being so selfish and be there for my mom. There are times when its hard to know which way to go..............I just pray that I will amount to something so they can be proud, and I can hold my head high (or eye level) and not feel guilty for coming home. I miss being 6 going out on the lawn picking dandi lions, counting the rolli pollis on the side walk. When you’re six nothing matters the sky could fall and I would still be counting rolli pollis. I don’t wish to be a child again, I enjoy resonsibility. I just truly miss the way I veiwed the world, the innocence untainted by cynical ideals. I’m tired of crying in the mirror when no ones looking............................................. cause thats not emo......X_x